Sweet Tooth

One of the advantages of the rotting lifestyle is that you don't really need to adhere to adult behavioural conventions. You can choose when -- and more importantly, what -- you eat, and for the most part do it without fear of judgement. I wish I could say that I sunk to a new low this morning after scarfing down the frosting off a carrot cake for breakfast, but sadly I've been there before. Many times. In fact, one of my greatest accomplishments (second only to the opening of the aforementioned joint bank account) is that I have a cavity in every tooth, except for one of my wisdom teeth. I've actually had my wisdom teeth filled! To be perfectly honest, I average about three cavities in most teeth -- it's terrifying. I've always loved sweets -- cupcakes, mini chocolate bars, milkshakes, gummy candy -- and I was doing alright until I turned 18 and suddenly every tooth had fallen victim to my former lovers. Unfortunately, this didn't inspire me to change my lifestyle. It just made me want to eat more sugary stuff since I figured I would be spending a substantial amount of time in the dentist's chair anyway. A notable moment occurred when I moved to England knowing I had an appointment to fill two cavities a month later when I returned to NY (to move the rest of my stuff over). I decided that since I'd hit rock bottom (this was the point when the wisdom teeth needed to get filled), I might as well go down smiling, so I would buy extra large Dairy Milk chocolate bricks to snack on for breakfast every day. I laughingly told the dentist how I'd prepared myself to get my fillings done by eating more sweets and he turned to me, gave me a stern look and said, "Well, congratulations. You've managed to get two new cavities in a month." I was horrified but in a perverse way, kind of proud. I probably have worse teeth than some people in the 17th century, and that's kind of an accomplishment considering modern dental technology.

My fiance thinks my rotten teeth make me trailer trash. I think they give me some personality. They're also crooked, despite years of orthodontal work, and I think they're rebelling against the veneered perfection that sneers at them from every TV set (although I live in England, not Hollywood, so maybe my teeth are just smugly thinking they've done pretty well for themselves). At any rate, sugar, despite the damage it may have caused, is still my bff. No one can tear us apart, not even dentures.